Matteus Huvaere

Its pronounced ‘Huvaere’

I Know that there is something wrong with me. Im not sure what thing it is but maybe if I try hard enough I can beat it.

I’m a delinquent and a juvenile and a concussion addict. I've been hungry my whole life and I've sucked enough water from the tap to make my belly explode.

I remember what it felt like to wear my football pads. And I remember the taste of the plastic of my school ID that my mom had to pay to replace four times in a year. I know what dirt tastes like. I look around and recognize that most of these people have never even licked a rock. They've never scraped their knuckles. Their middle knuckle isn't bigger and more calloused than the others.

My brain has been hit hard enough to swell and press against my skull more times than I can remember. Getting hit in the face doesn’t really hurt but getting hit in the body really really does. Before my first kickboxing match I fantasized about being knocked out. Being made unalive for a moment and getting to see the other side of the hill.

My mom has told me that I have a problem with authority. I believe that If you look down upon me like a dog I will behave like a dog. I want to feel proud. I don’t want to be a loser anymore. Feels like I’ve been one forever.

If I wrap my knuckles and I bite my tongue and I hurt someone really really fucking bad will you kiss my swollen cheek tomorrow? If I show you that I am the man you want will you cradle my rotted brain?

* know what its like to hate the ****** **** ******** ** take care of ***. * know **** *** **** ** wish ******* *** dead. * **** ***** *** **** ** watch ** *** get ******* in the face. * ******** **** ** sounds like.
* *** ** old man recently. *** I was grown up. *** * ***** *** up and down *** * *******, ‘I could **** you now. *** *** ***** never stop me.’
*** **** * didnt look *** ** *** eyes.
It never goes away.
No matter *** strong.
** ****** *** **** fights.
** ****** grown up.

Maybe once I have enough brain damage i’ll forget. And it wont bother me so much anymore.

The present is a particle super position. The future is rapidly assembling and the past dissassembling.

When I go too long without hearing your voice it starts to feel like something is wrong with me. And when I do hear it again I realize I’ve been sick my whole life and it wasnt until the moment you touched me again that I ever felt ok.
My chest burns with desire. I want so badly.
The mere thought of you is an inferno that razes my being. Strips away every part of me until only the tender bits remain.
Whatever you would like. The thought is enough.

Everyone around you is an invisible entity. Corporeality is a myth. Worship the divine and benevelont algorithm as the keeper of your incarnation. Depersonalization like the change in my pocket.

My next performance piece is a social terrorist one. A Live 20v1. Every woman that enters I have approach me and ask them questions: “What do you bring to the table”

“Whats your toxic trait”
“Do a 360 for me” “What are you cooking me on our first date”
“What can I touch” “You’re drunk at the club, who’s the first person you’re calling”

Depending on their answers I declare whether they can remain in the space or whether they have to leave. It doesnt matter who they are or who they are with. I am mumbling and counting through a large amount of cash the entire time.

My next action is a Humiliation Ritual.

Im pretty much done with this art shit anyways

I hold all my meetings at the Casino. A meditation on loneliness.
There are temples of alienation all around us. The age of destruction worship at the shrine. Wash the feet of the king of shame. Tell him how you have all that you deserve and all that you do not have you do not deserve. Tell him how you have earned all your pain. Show him the cuts on your teeth.

I can no longer rage against this reality of destruction. But I have to I dont know how to do anything else. There is plastic in my brain and in my balls. I wrap my head in tin foil and duct tape to sleep ok. I dont even know how I am supposed to feel.

Every morning I pray to Ogun, the god of Iron and war. I ask him not to protect me but to make my spirit like his. And whatever may happen, let that be the right thing.
My sword has caught on the gristle of flesh. I have choked on smoke and blood. I walk with a limp. I return home with scars on my hands and my feet.

You think you know better than me everyone knows better than me.
You’re not special.

Crucifixion of the Techno-Capital Messiah
The last human being
The first not human
Baptized through sensory content

holes in my brain

Talk to me soft. Touch me like a kiss. Hold me like I hold you. Make me feel different inside.

Running with a death whistle in my mouth. Waking up the whole neighborhood.

I dont know how to function any other way. This is the only way i’ve ever known how to be. And if you do know don’t tell me.

Try and try and try over again to figure it out and it just doesn’t seem to make sense. Something is not registering. I must be lacking something fundamental that makes you human. I dont have any developmental disabilities. I wasn’t on ssri’s when I was 13 Or 16 or 19. I’ve never talked to a therapist and I’ve never been diagnosed with anything. My body is not addicted to any chemical or medication. I don’t abuse my body on purpose even subconciously. I don’t believe I deserve to be in pain even subconciously. I am still a person.

If you’re not working on your swing you’re wasting time. Hit the fucking ball.

Not everybody wants to win more than they want to breathe.

I can smell how lonely you are. I can feel how badly you want to be touched. How you want to be wanted. I can want you. I could hold your hand forever if you let me.

When you punch someone in the body and they see it coming you can feel their ribs you can feel their hip bone its all rigid and tense. When you punch someone in the body and they dont see it coming it feels like hitting a water balloon. When you knock someone out it feels like hitting nothing. They dissapear.

My eyelids are more hooded than they used to be. Its becoming difficult to breathe out of my nose. Ive had a headache everyday for 24 days straight. What am I doing

he cinches down on my arm then arcs an elbow over the top. It slashes against my skull. I shove him away. My head gets hot. I touch the spot then check my fingers for blood. I try not to do it again but I cant stop myself. I know my head is bleeding now even though I know its not.

Testosterone leads to rage and paranoia. Everything is filtered through rage and paranoia and confusion. It is difficult to think and to speak

Art is stupid and gay.Trying to make art is gay.
Referring to yourself as an artist is the most masturbatory and out of touch thing you can do

The air is filled with smoke from the wildfires. Pollen swims through it like a swarm with nowhere to go. Is this just how its gonna be from now on? My brother will know that during the sumer the sky gets hazy.

My instagram story views have tanked since I mentioned palantir and Peter Thiel. The shiesty is the most affective anti-facial recognition technology. In Chicago surveillance cameras that have been installed in residential neighborhoods are often shot down.

Go show love on the gram yall @i933404

Holy Mary
Queen of angels
Protect us in combat

Holy Mary Queen of angels
You who at the beginning
recieved from God
the power to crush the head of Satan

We humbly ask you
Send your holy legions so that
By your order and by your power
They will track down demons
Fight them everywhere
and plunge them into the abyss

Oh tender Mother
Our love and our hope

Oh divine Mother
Send the Holy Angels and Archangels
to keep the enemy out of reach

Holy Angels and Archangels defend us
Protect us

Holy Mary
Queen of angels
Protect us in combat,

Amen

My sword has caught on the gristle of flesh. There are scars on my hands and my feet.
I crack my fingers and I break my teeth. When they touch me I will not feel like a person

Feel Pain. Hurt People.
Fight for your whole life.
Prove that you deserve to be alive.

The man who has been rejected from society knows no course of action but to further reject himself.
The man who has been rejected from society even when he made it up himself
The man who has been rejected fro

“When confronted with peace, the warlike man will attack himself.”

“Insanity: doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different result.”

I been driving fast ash since I got my tabs renewed

My ************ asked me once why I let things bother me so much. Why do I get so frustrated. I told her that I am a conflict orientated person. It is my nature to seek a war.
I remember the first last time that we ever kissed and she asked me not to crack my ears or break my nose. She always thought my nose was so pretty. Now my ear is blown up and it is difficult to breath out of my nose. I have fantasized about it getting broken in one fell swoop and when they reset it I would imagine It was her hands cradling my face. But getting my nose shattered in a beautiful metaphor just isnt me. Having it warp and collapse over time through a thousand microfractures until I can barely breathe thats me.

Hold me for a long time

Prove that you deserve to be alive.

Believe in a vengeful warrior God Believe in a God that fights and broods and punishes. A God that laughs at me. It is only right. I am his fool.
A God that bestows blades and claims ribs.
A God that Claims fingers and ears a soldier can not commit murder.
I Belong nowhere. I will never feel content in this life. The world is not enough. It is how God punishes his fools.

You conquer your tormentor by being even crueler to yourself than the inquisitor.

I taunt myself

It is my nature to seek a war.
But there is no war.
There is no enemy. Nothing to attack or destroy. So I attack myself. I destroy myself. I Kill myself. I want to be honest.
I want to feel pain because I want to hurt people. I want to hurt because I want you to feel my pain. This war will manifest itself someway somehow. Someway somehow.

I taunt myself. I lie to myself.

‘Dont kill yourself’ Ok I wont do it.

A dead leaf blew into my car window. The trees are beginning to change. No matter how the temperature goes up and down and back the next few weeks they aren’t coming back to life. I wish I could freeze time. I ask myself why. So that I can live in my misery forever
Cruel to myself

It doesn’t make a difference I dont recognize myself.

Life is so beautiful and I am so happy to be alive. I am going to post a gratitude list.

Nothing is beautiful. Everything is brutal.
Nothing is precious. Everything Is destroyed.
No one is in love. Everyone is afraid.

I saw her again. My angel. It was so beautiful. My psychosis is reset.

I don’t have to be alone. I’m not as crazy as I think.
I taunt myself. I lie to myself.